Give Birth to Your Own Little Sommelier

Scientists at the University of California – Murphys, working together with El Jefe, he of the Twisted Oak fame; have developed a new horizontal tasting geared toward expectant parents’ desire for early education of their soon-to-be child in the fine art of wine appreciation.

Fetal Flights® will offer quality, affordable prenatal wine tasting, while enhancing the traditional experience of the parents through a winery cave environment. The program will offer advanced tasting methods and a unique focus on in vino health and development.

“We were in our wine cave doing a barrel tasting with a couple from Houston, and a law student from Sacramento. The cave reminded us of that special place for prenatal development. We looked at our ‘wine thief,’ and it made us think of a turkey baster — and – Voilà, the idea was ‘born!’ so to speak!” said Rueben Rubber, spokeschicken for El Jefe Twisted. (That’s El Jefe, pictured in front of the steel tanks with his turkey baster barrel extracting instrument aka “wine thief,” sampling some of Henrietta’s Jestation Juice)

Also consulted was Dr. Xeno, (not Ward – drXeNo the wine blogger) an expert in cognitive psychology.

“Cognitive psychologists are interested in human cognition, such as our capacity for perception, memory, thinking, problem solving and learning. As psychologists, they study behavior under carefully controlled conditions, often in a laboratory and often under experimental conditions. Sometime the ecological validity or generalizability of their findings are limited due to these traditions, but their theories are carefully tested and can be challenged by anyone who chooses to design a study with similar variable.”

“In summary, through ‘cognitive psychology’ these pre-babies will learn the difference between plonk and some damned fine wine,” said Ward – drXeNo the wine blogger.

Couples will be able to choose three different wines, depending on the gestation period of the mother. Currently flights have been developed only for the second and third trimesters. Wines available for the second trimester flight include Silvaspoons Vineyard Verdelho, Calaveras County Viognier, Sierra Foothills Ruben’s Blend, and a brand new wine blended especially for Fetal Flights®: Henrietta’s Jestation Juice. Third trimester parents can choose one of from those, as well as two from *%#&@!, The Spaniard, Tempranillo, Murgatroyd and Petite Sirah– all from Calaveras County. For those little rascals who refuse to come out on their due date, parents can opt to add a 2006 Calveras County Pig Stai, after signing a release, that they have no problem with their baby being born in a wine cave, and potentially nursed by winebratsf a wine bat from San Francisco.

A home-version is in the works, and will be available for shipment to most states who currently permit direct shipping of wines to consumers. Michigan, Illinois and Maryland state legislatures are currently considering bills to create a special Fetal Flights® exception if delivery is made on Tuesday or on the third Thursday of the month between the hours of 1:30 and 3:45 p.m. Many of the southern states including Mississippi, Alabama, and Tennessee have prohibited Fetal Flights® in favor of their own local hooch. In a surpising move, Alaska will require that the winemaker score at least 80% on a helicopter marksmanship exam before permit application will be considered.

Tom Wark, director of the Specialty Wine Retailers Association (SWRA) has set up a hot-line for future couples denied Fetal Flights® due to their states’ protection of the sacrosanct Three-Tier System.

I think the three tier system is great. I just don’t think it should be mandated by the state. The idea of mandating that producers must sell directly to wholesalers, who then must sell directly to retailers or restaurants, is an idea that was put in place in the 1930s, over seventy years ago, when there were far, far more wholesalers than there are now and far fewer producers than there are now.

Prices for the Fetal Flights® start out at $3,999 for a single pre-child, and $5,002 for pre-twins. Pricing for pre-triplets, quadruplets, quintuplets and larger litters, is negotiable.

Not to be outdone, other wineries are looking to develop lower cost alternatives. One particular well-known winery is developing a boxed-flight version, and another has developed a flight that includes two wine coolers and a White Zin. Those will start at $39.95 and will be available at your local big box store.

Grand Opening of the first Fetal Flight Tasting Room® is set for April 1, 2010.  For more posts like this one check out the Dregs Report.

Speaking of April Fools Day (you really thought we were serious?) here’s an interesting FACT that was thought to be an April Fools Day hoax:

The 2005 death of comedian Mitch Hedberg, who is quoted in rotation on Another Wine Blog, was originally dismissed as an April Fools’ joke. The comedian’s March 29, 2005 death was announced on March 31, but many newspapers didn’t carry the story until April 1, 2005.

~ Amy Corron Power,
aka WineWonkette

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