I see a lot of seriously stupid articles and posts all of the time pairing wine with things that it either doesn’t go with, or that it just doesn’t have any connection to. These articles pair holiday chocolate with wine, or tell you what the perfect Arbor Day wine pairing is (It’s Sauvignon Blanc, by the way). All kinds of stupid crap like that.
When I see these dumb articles it makes me think, “Holy Jumpin’ Jesus on a pogo stick, why didn’t I write that unimaginative, non-factual, link-baiting bit of putrid drivel?” Not this time, my friends! Count me in.
Before I start, if you’re looking for what wine pairs with the candy you plan to pilfer from your children, then shame on you! Not for stealing candy from babies, that’s expected of this crowd, but for thinking that wine pairs with chocolate. It does not. Yeah, yeah, Port, blah, blah, blah. I know, yes, Port is delicious with chocolate. Put down the Peppermint Patty and wait for someone to give the kids some good dark chocolate, then we’ll talk. If you absolutely must have a pairing that goes with a bite-sized Snickers bar, have a whiskey and shut the hell up, so that I can get to my gratuitous list.
Now that we’ve got that out-of-the-way, here is a list of great horror movies and the absolutely perfect style to pair with each in honor of Halloween. Trust me, I’m an expert, I’m on the Internet, and as such, completely infallible in these matters. One thing you’ll notice about this list is that it omits things like Eraserhead and Gremlins, and that’s because they aren’t real horror movies, so no matter how much I enjoy them, they aren’t on the list. You’ll also notice that there is a dearth of Slasher and Found Footage genre films. Why? Because they suck and most wouldn’t scare a home-schooled 4-year old with a nervous condition. Now, on to the list.
Excision (2012) – One of the most twisted movies on this list. Almost more twisted than most people can take, and lots of deep, dark red blood. I suggest anything by Twisted Oak. The redder, the better. Neither are for the faint of heart.
Night of the Living Dead (1968) – The granddaddy of all zombie flicks, and the originator of the modern, shambling flesh-eating beast we all love so much. The filmmakers used chocolate syrup because it works well as blood in a black and white film, plus it tastes good. A nice vintage port will do the trick.
American Mary (2013) – This would make the list even if we weren’t such huge fans of Tristan Risk here at AWB. This movie touches on so many different genres and sub-genres as it makes its twisted journey over the top that a single varietal just isn’t going to cover it. I suggest finding the wildest blend of grapes you can find.
The Babadook (2014) – This is one that you either love, or you hate passionately. The people who hate it are wrong, of course, just like people who don’t like Pinotage. Drink more Pinotage.
The Exorcist (1974) – What pairs with pea soup and Satan? My first thought was a nice Chardonnay, but upon further review the acidity of a Sauvignon Blanc would cut the richness, the green flavors and citrus notes would pair well with the earthiness, and I’m sure that Satan loves the smell of cat’s pee. What could go wrong?
Rosemary’s Baby (1968) – A beautifully made, perfectly crafted, nearly obscene art film for the masses. Garcon, a bottle of your finest Bordeaux!
Freaks (1932) – Inspiration for generations of filmmakers, artists, and punks. The Director of Frankenstein managed to top himself and go so far over the top, especially for the times, that he became a pariah in Hollywood forever after. It doesn’t matter what you drink while watching it, just make sure to drink enough that you are dancing around and chanting along with the freaks by the end of the movie. One of us! One of us!
The Evil Dead (1981) – Low budget, goofy and perfect! Forget the wine and get a 6 pack of Yuengling and a bottle of Evan Williams. Better make it a 12 pack, you’ll want to watch Evil Dead 2 and Armies of Darkness right after. Shop smart, skip the awful remake.
A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (2014) – This middle-eastern gem is subtle, complex, and delicious. Syrah would be perfect. Then again, when isn’t it? I truly love this movie, and I truly love Syrah.
Zombieland (2009) – No, this isn’t about pairing wine with a Twinkie. Don’t make me double tap you! This is one of the few films that has characters drinking wine, but unfortunately, they never show the label. But, since the wine is being drunk from the bottle at Bill Murray’s house we can substitute one of Bill’s favorites; Champagne on ice. Yeah, I know…but he’s Bill Fucking Murray, who am I to argue?
Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986) – Go through your wine collection and grab every “WTF” bottle you own…you’re going to need them. If you thought Michael Rooker’s Merle Dixon was evil and vile on The Walking Dead, wait until you see him in this.
House of 1000 Corpses (2003) – A game changer of a movie. This is the horror equivalent to Pulp Fiction or Reservoir Dogs. If you have a light bulb wine, you know, the one that made you go, “ah-hah, this is what all of the fuss is about!,” break that sucker out.
Carnival of Souls (1962) – Make sure and get the original. The re-make pairs with cheez-whiz and Franzia, but the original? A creepfest gem that requires something in an old dusty bottle, maybe a Châteauneuf-du-Pape and some ripe, runny cheese.
Yes, I know that there is a very good chance that I left off your favorite movie. There’s a very good reason for that, you don’t have my exquisite taste in horror, so your favorite movie is lame. Sorry, but it’s about time you knew.