Rules to Live (and Laugh) By

I was randomly surfing around the Web when I stumbled across a blog named “Drinkplanner.com” and a post entitled “The 10 Commandments For Drinking Like a Man” that amused the hell out of me.

Despite the title most of these rules are good advice for anyone. Here are some of my favorite excerpts, but you should go there and read them all.

Thou Shalt Learn to Enjoy Whisk(e)y – Bourbon, Scotch, Irish, Tennessee whiskey and every other form of the drink shall heretofore be your best buddy. You can start by mixing with soda at first to ween yourself into it if you need to (Jim Beam and Coke is a perfectly acceptable manly drink), but at some point you’re going to have to learn to drink the stuff on its own.

Okay, now this one I have to take some exception to. First of all, no decent whiskey should ever be mixed with some syrupy sweet liquid unless you are sick and need to mix in a little honey and lemon for medicinal purposes. Secondly, if the hooch is bad enough that you need to mix it with a kiddie drink it isn’t worth drinking in the first place. Otherwise, GREAT rule!

Thou Shalt Not Consume Drinks With Idiotic Gimmicky Names Meant to Cover Up How Girly They Are – So help me God, if I see any of you jackasses out there with a Sex on the Beach or a Screw Me Blue in your hands, I’ll slap it to the ground and eat your worthless soul so fast you’ll truly come to appreciate the phrase “life flashed before my eyes” like never before. You’re not fooling anyone.

I watch that crap Bobby Flay mixes up on his BBQ show and want to vomit. How a man drinks any of that, much less with what appears to be damn good BBQ is beyond me. Grab a beer or a glass of wine, something…sheesh!

Thou Shalt Learn to Appreciate All Forms of Beer – If Natty Light, Keystone and Coors are your idea of what beer is and is meant to be, you’re living your drinking-life like that of a child in sub-Saharan Africa.

If you drink any of the beers listed above, or any like them, don’t call yourself a beer drinker. And if I am buying you will be asked to try again if you order any of that swill.

Finally, this one deserves to be quoted in its entirety:

It’s More Than Okay to Drink Wine – Knowing the name of a few good Cabernets and Pinot Noirs is a highly valuable thing. Inevitably in your life you’ll need to go to expensive restaurants for anniversaries, birthdays, and pet funerals… and knowing what’s good vs. what tastes like grape-flavored vinegar not only makes you look smart and sophisticated, but saves you from drinking grapes that taste like they were fermented in horseshit. Become familiar with the ins-and-outs of a few wines, and the impression you’ll make will be well worth it. Being labeled as “cultured” is never a bad thing…being labeled as “ignorant” always is.

Now go check out the full post!

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