WARNING! The following post may contain language, ideas, and humor that some might consider offensive. If you feel that you might be one of these people then this post might be about you or someone you know and we highly recommend that you use your back button or click here for an excellent turkey brining article. Yum, turkey! With stuffing too! Mmmm! Buh-bye now. Enjoy your delicious brined turkey.
Thanksgiving is right around the corner and as is traditional, bloggers everywhere will be telling you what things in their life they are thankful for. You won’t be hearing any of that happy horseshit from me though. It’s not that there aren’t a lot of things that I am thankful for, it’s just that it’s hard to swallow turkey and bore you with my blessings when I have something stuck in my craw.
Every year at this time we trot out this fairy tale about a bunch of brave souls who endured so much hardship for their faith. Everywhere they went they were persecuted and eventually run off. Then they came to America. Oh happy day! Once here they would have died, if not for some kindly Native Americans who fed them and sustained them through that first harsh Winter. Oh, let us all be thankful for the fact that some of our earliest settlers survived that first year. Raise a forkful of dry white meat covered in your mom’s tepid lumpy gravy to the heroic Pilgrims and Puritans who helped found this country!
You know what? Fuck the Pilgrims and fuck a whole lot of their Puritan brothers. These people were a bunch of religious freaks who were so intolerant and intolerable that the average, run-of-the-mill religious freaks wanted to imprison or kill them. So they came here. Lucky us. If only Squanto had the foresight to burn the Pilgrims out, or at least let the idiots test their faith by praying for food, as they were wont to do, instead of hunting, fishing and planting like the sensible folks who already lived here. Then maybe some reasonable people could have eventually settled this country instead.
But we weren’t so lucky. Instead we’re stuck with their idiot ideas and insane interpretations of a book so few actually read, at least correctly, these days. We have religious leaders and a preponderance of their sheep who believe that they should hate anyone long-haired, tolerant, pro-tax, anti-wealth, anyone who doesn’t look like them, people who want to help the poor and the less fortunate…you know, people like Jesus. I’m not sure how that works, but then again I’m not a fine upstanding church-goer like them any more, so what do I know?
Anyway, I love Thanksgiving…I really do. So much food to share with friends and family, plus this year offers 3 football games that all have playoff ramifications, even the (OG) one featuring my Lions. What’s not to love?
Those damn puritanical Pilgrims, that’s what! They deserve more scorn than the Bears, Cowboys, MLS and Nickleback fans combined! The legacy these ignorant, intolerant bastards left us includes, but is in no way limited to, people believing that the Bible teaches that gay people are evil (it says no such thing), that if they name it they can claim it (utter horseshit), that God wants them to be rich (the “Wealth Doctrine” is so insane as to actually transcend horseshit), and that Jesus was a magic zombie caterer (okay, it does kind of say that if you squint at it in just the right light).
Not only that, due to these puritanical douchebag Bible abusers, we ended up with the convoluted and hypocritical drug and alcohol policies that are helping to bankrupt this country and keep me from drinking Bell’s beer.
That’s right, that prick John Smith and his band of self-righteous freaks set the tone for this country that not only has led to our politicians being caught playing footsie in public restrooms while voting against gay rights, it also directly led to me not being able to get beer from back home, or to being able to buy a bottle of beer or wine on Sunday mornings here in Houston, no matter how much I promise it will only be used for cooking. In fact, there is a dry town 15 minutes from here that their hypocrisy is responsible for. Really? Due to geographical location, someone can’t get a perfectly legal and delicious adult beverage in 2011…78 years after Prohibition allegedly ended. That is seriously messed up!
So, I will celebrate the upcoming holiday with a spectacular spread of delicious food, fantastic wine (a 94 Kalin Cellars Pinot Noir, a 95 Kalin Cellars Chardonnay, and a yet-to-be-determined dessert wine), family and friends, and God willing, a Lions victory over the Packers, and I will be thankful for each and every one of those things. Not that I will blame God should the Lions lose, that will more likely be caused by horrible officiating and Aaron Rogers being a great QB, but I just might “Tebow” with stiff middle fingers upright and pointed towards Detroit in celebration should they win. But should I encounter any Pilgrims or Puritans they will be kindly invited to kiss my hairy Irish ass.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone who read this far. Now I must be off to start ranting and raving about the goddamn Christmas carols that are already disturbing my peace.