An Unspeakable Tragedy

capn buzzFaithful readers of this blog know that I am a huge fan of Twisted Oak Wines. Not only do they sell some top notch juice, but they have a fantastic sense of humor, as evidenced by their rubber chicken fetish. On a recent trip to Calaveras County I adopted the cute little fella seen to right of this text. Not being able to bear being apart from this little bundle of joy all day long, I took him to work where he kept me company all day. Now, I know that I work with some seriously evil mother(shut your mouth)s, but little did I know just how evil these sick bastards are.

The other day I arrived at work to find that my wonderful, faithful companion was missing and in his place was a ransom note. While the handwriting looked vaguely familiar, I could not discern whose it was. These guys are apparently professionals with a long history of kidnapping chickens? What kind of sick individuals kidnap innocent chickens like mine. I just hope these sickos don’t choke him!

Here is the first ransom note. Click to see a larger version.


The text of the note, if I am reading it through my tears correctly, says, “We have commandeered your chicken! If you don’t want him to have another peg-leg, cover this story on your blog from now until our demands are met or we’ll go poastal (sic) on his behind.”

Not wanting to encourage this type of criminal behavior, I did not post anything here nor did I contact the authorities because I used to watch “McMillen and Wife” as a child and that is what they always recommended. The kidnappers did not contact me as I conducted quite exhaustive interviews of all of my co-workers/suspects. That all changed this morning as I found this hanging over my desk.


This one read, ” Leave randsom (sic) behind printer by Lonnie’s cube no wine no chicken 9 days…dead tic toc tic toc tic top”  The twisted freaks even included this horrific photo.


What kind of evil **** would place this kind, loving, wonderful creature’s head in a paper cutter like that? Apparently the kind that are impatient and have too much time on their hands, as this was waiting on my keyboard after my usual lunchtime visit to the gym.


This note was a bit more cryptic, but no less menacing. It reads, ” You need to take this more serious (sic). He who cooks wields the knife” If the kidnapper is reading this, he or she should know that I am a better cook than they are and have far superior knives.  If you hurt one feather on his precious head, I will…*SOB*

Sorry, I am okay now considering the circumstances. If anyone has any information regarding these chicken kidnappers, please send it to me. I ask that all readers of this blog keep my chicken in their thoughts and prayers. Stay tuned, as I will post any new developments as they arise.

Hold on, chicken! Daddy’s coming!

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