An Unspeakable Tragedy

capn buzzFaithful readers of this blog know that I am a huge fan of Twisted Oak Wines. Not only do they sell some top notch juice, but they have a fantastic sense of humor, as evidenced by their rubber chicken fetish. On a recent trip to Calaveras County I adopted the cute little fella seen to right of this text. Not being able to bear being apart from this little bundle of joy all day long, I took him to work where he kept me company all day. Now, I know that I work with some seriously evil mother(shut your mouth)s, but little did I know just how evil these sick bastards are.

The other day I arrived at work to find that my wonderful, faithful companion was missing and in his place was a ransom note. While the handwriting looked vaguely familiar, I could not discern whose it was. These guys are apparently professionals with a long history of kidnapping chickens? What kind of sick individuals kidnap innocent chickens like mine. I just hope these sickos don’t choke him!

Here is the first ransom note. Click to see a larger version.


The text of the note, if I am reading it through my tears correctly, says, “We have commandeered your chicken! If you don’t want him to have another peg-leg, cover this story on your blog from now until our demands are met or we’ll go poastal (sic) on his behind.”

Not wanting to encourage this type of criminal behavior, I did not post anything here nor did I contact the authorities because I used to watch “McMillen and Wife” as a child and that is what they always recommended. The kidnappers did not contact me as I conducted quite exhaustive interviews of all of my co-workers/suspects. That all changed this morning as I found this hanging over my desk.


This one read, ” Leave randsom (sic) behind printer by Lonnie’s cube no wine no chicken 9 days…dead tic toc tic toc tic top”  The twisted freaks even included this horrific photo.


What kind of evil **** would place this kind, loving, wonderful creature’s head in a paper cutter like that? Apparently the kind that are impatient and have too much time on their hands, as this was waiting on my keyboard after my usual lunchtime visit to the gym.


This note was a bit more cryptic, but no less menacing. It reads, ” You need to take this more serious (sic). He who cooks wields the knife” If the kidnapper is reading this, he or she should know that I am a better cook than they are and have far superior knives.  If you hurt one feather on his precious head, I will…*SOB*

Sorry, I am okay now considering the circumstances. If anyone has any information regarding these chicken kidnappers, please send it to me. I ask that all readers of this blog keep my chicken in their thoughts and prayers. Stay tuned, as I will post any new developments as they arise.

Hold on, chicken! Daddy’s coming!

  • No Rubber chicken should be treated this way! Did you increase his life insurance lately………..

    The Mustang Winemaker and rubber chicken owner,

    • No, but maybe I should have.

  • Was there a red and white bucket nearby? If so, I think I might know of a suspect.

    • Hmmm…I hadn't though to look for that. I will ask the kindly, white-haired southern gentleman that is always hanging around if he saw a bucket like that. Thanks!

  • The fiend you are looking for owns Ginsu knives and purchases magazines. That should narrow it down quite a bit!

    The humanity, I mean, chickanity…

    • Thanks, El Jefe…I will add those to my interrogation questions. That should break this case wide open.

  • If I were you, I'd just go Israeli commando on their asses, learn'em a lesson and if the hostage doesn't make it, well at least you'll have the pieces for…

    • Excellent idea. Now where did I leave my Uzi…

  • Oh no! Vile kidnappers. If we lived closer, we'd put together a search party and find him, Scooby-Doo style.


    • No one can get away with anything once us meddling kids get involved.

  • tkelly

    I suggest you pay the ransom. It chokes me up to see a chicken in such a predicament, and whatever you do don't let him join the merchant marine! I understand the Sommelier's are ruthless!

    • I plan to pay the ransom. Note that the chickennappers did not specify what kind of wine or the level of quality. I have a few bottles here that badly need a new home. :)

  • Jason

    I know who and I know where the chicken is…..

  • Oh my. We are having a similar issue happen in the operating room with nurse barbie and doctor ken, dolls given to us by drug reps. Not a kidnapping persey, but each morning barbie and ken are often found in compromising positions, suffice to say their were also surgical scalpels and needles involved. It's quite brutal, you never know where they will turn up. Best wishes in your rescue!

  • The Chicken-napper

    The chicken will be left by the tree behind AP. Await further instruction.

  • The Chicken-napper

    You Chicken will officially be returned to your safety by monday. In the mean time the rooster's will have their way with it.
    Until then….

  • The Chicken-napper

    Due to this weekends stream of unfortunate wheather; I must inform you that today will not be the day that you receive your precious.
    Until further notice…

  • The Chicken-napper

    Due to this weekends stream of unfortunate wheather; I must inform you that today will not be the day that you receive your precious.
    Until further notice…

  • The Chicken-napper

    Due to this weekends stream of unfortunate wheather; I must inform you that today will not be the day that you receive your precious.
    Until further notice…

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